A Desert a Day Keeps the Kepral's Away
by onion926
Summary: "Yeah, well, you know what they say. A desert a day keeps the Kepral's away." "Ah. Forgive my ignorance, Siha, but who precisely are 'they'" A collection of loosely related drabbles. Mostly FemShep/Thane fluff. AU. M to be safe.
1. Sunburn

"Oh, _yeahhh_. That's the stuff..." Thane awoke to low groans from the other room. He craned his head sleepily toward the doorway, straining to hear.

A couple of sighs and breathy chuckles floated through the small gap between the door and the jamb, and Thane propped himself up on his elbows, suddenly much more awake. It sounded like—no. His siha was ill, after all. He tilted his chin up slightly, the rosy pink of his throat darkening a bit in the drell equivalent of a frown.

At Thane's insistence, Peep had been resting inside for the last few days, recovering from something humans called "sunburn." Thane had heard human skin was quite delicate, but he'd never quite believed it, given how intimately acquainted he was with his siha's. Peep herself had mentioned sunburns in passing at one point or another; Thane'd assumed she was joking... Until, after a long, leisurely day of lounging in the desert sun, Peep had suddenly turned a spectacular shade of angry scarlet.

A faint titter lingered in the air. Thane was a logical man, and he prided himself greatly on this fact. Other than Peep's distinctly flat yet dulcet human tones, all was silent; therefore, his siha was not watching a vid. While she was undoubtedly intelligent, Thane would hardly describe his siha as a voracious patron of the literary arts, so it was unlikely that she was enjoying a book. And, no matter how much the muffled noises through the wall sought to convince him otherwise, if there was one thing of which Thane was unflinchingly certain, it was that his siha most definitely was not participating in intercourse: One, he was not with her, and, two, she could barely stand physical contact with anything in her present state, including herself.

To borrow one of Peep's quaint English turns of phrase, Thane was "stumped." Curiosity overwhelmed him. He rolled smoothly out of bed, even more so than usual. Not that Thane was ever anything less than spry, even with his disease, but there was a certain spring in his step that he could only attribute to the bone-dry heat of his current environment.

There came another gasp. "Oh, man!"

Thane approached the door quietly and eased it open. He ducked his head out, large black eyes sweeping the area before they alighted on Peep, who was at the furthest end, sitting in an oversized blue-green chair that faced a wall of enormous windows. Thane could just see the soft, dark fuzz of her strict Alliance haircut peeping up over the fat cushions, dappled with the morning sun.

Peep, Thane reflected, was truly engrossed in her task if she had not heard him. He had only ever managed to sneak up on her once; that said, the only reason Thane retained even a shred of dignity was because he knew Peep had been trained specifically to ferret out and defend against people with his particular skill set. Thane padded across the sun-warmed wood floor silently.

"Come on, just a bit more..." his siha muttered. As Thane drew nearer, he saw Peep twisting as though to reach for something. "Almost...got it..."

"Siha—" Thane started, but froze when he reached her, black eyes round in surprise. There his siha sat, reaching over one shoulder, a long, translucent strip of skin pinched between her thumb and forefinger. She was _molting._

Peep let out a small squeal and turned to face him, caught off guard. She hastily flung the small peel of her dead flesh away and ducked her head down in a gesture Thane had come to realize signaled embarrassment.

"Um... Hi, baby." His siha quickly dusted off her shoulder and stood to greet him. Thane blinked, watching small flecks of her skin flutter to the ground, where a more substantial pile of skin layers lay, organized, strangely enough, by overall size and length.

"So..." Peep rocked a bit on her heels. She wore only a pair of shorts, apparently still too tender in places to tolerate the pressure of fabric. Her flesh was still quite red, though not as much as it had been during the preceding days. There were dry, tight patches across her body, some bubbling with tiny white specks of loosening skin cells. She looked rather crispy, in all honesty, except for the streaks of newly regenerated skin she'd just uncovered, which were a tad shiny. "I think I forgot to tell you about this part."

His siha's eyes flicked nervously from his throat to his face and back again, obviously waiting for some sort of reaction. Thane knew he ought to say something, but, for once in his life, words failed him.

"I know, I know, you probably think it's weird—" she stammered, shuffling back a step. Thane stepped forward to eliminate the distance between them and raised his hand to cup Peep's hot, crackling cheek.

"On the contrary, Siha," he murmured. Thane's throat worked as he gazed at her chapped, rosy face. He let his hand slide down, pausing briefly at the juncture between his siha's neck and shoulder to graze that one sensitive spot on her throat, before finally allowing it to rest lightly on her peeling shoulder. "At times I wonder how I ever thought we were so different."

* * *

A/N: Yeah, so my headcanon is that drell molt several times a year during their youth to accommodate for growth. When they are fully grown, they no longer molt unless there is significant change in weight, or as part of the recovery process after being severely injured. So what if that's not how earth-reptiles work? The drell aren't from earth, now are they?

For anyone who cares, this Shepard is Alhena "Peep" Shepard, earthborn, sole survivor. Yes, there's a reason she's called Peep. Whether or not yall ever find out what that reason is depends entirely on whether I can scrounge up enough focus and determination to actually write a coherent fic.

In fact, I do have some ideas floating around for both Peep and a different Shepard I want to write about. If anyone is interested in betaing, drop me a line and tell me a bit about yourself and the fics you've betaed.

Also, why won't this stupid website allow question marks in the summary? Grr.


	2. 2:00

A/N: I just realized I forgot to put a disclaimer up last time. So, yeah. I don't own anything in the Mass Effect universe, and, no, I'm not profiting from writing any of these chapters.

* * *

"Thane?"

"Yes, Siha?"

"You awake?"

"So it would seem."

"...I love you."

"But...?"

"What makes you think there's a but?"

"It has occurred to me, Siha, that you only ever speak my name when I have inconvenienced you, and you likewise only declare your love for me when you wish to propose a solution."

"Nuh-uh."

"..."

"I_ don't_."

"..."

"Oh, forget you. Scaly bastard."

"I love you, too, Siha."

"..."

"Siha?"

"Yes, Thane?"

"You never told me what you needed."

"Oh, just never mind, you."


	3. Mooch

"Baby, how in the world can you be cold?" Peep panted incredulously as Thane pressed himself against her, dragging at least five thick blankets up with him. Peep rolled over with some difficulty, trapped as she was in his embrace, to face the drell. Only his eyes and the sleek row of spines across the top of his head were visible from beneath the covers.

"It's eighty-five out," she gasped, wriggling to get away, but Thane merely redoubled his efforts to hang on. "There's—ugh—no A/C...and somehow, you've found all these—jeez—blankets..."

Peep kicked one leg back in search of the edge of the covers, forcing her spine to arch uncomfortably. Her hands were trapped between her chest and Thane's, and she could feel a fine sheen of sweat beginning to form over her body. She stretched her toes back. Almost there... Just a little further, and she'd be able to kick the blankets off.

Suddenly, a smooth-scaled leg lashed out and hooked itself around Peep's, dragging it back to the middle of the bed with the rest of her body. It stayed slung over her hip. Peep glowered at her lover, squinching one eye shut as a bead of sweat trickled down to blind her. Thane merely blinked up at her. Although his mouth and throat were hidden, Peep was positive he was looking at her with the drell equivalent of a smirk.

"Oh, you are impossible!" Peep groaned, hitting him weakly on the chest.

Again, Thane said nothing, but Peep could feel his hum of satisfaction vibrating under her fingertips even if she couldn't hear it.


	4. Seehaw

"So, about this seehaw thing—"

"Siha," Thane corrected abruptly.

"Yeah, that's what I said. Seehaw," Peep frowned.

"No, no," Thane shook his head. "Siha. Try again."

"Seehaw." Peep crossed her arms, looking a little miffed.

Thane regarded her with a studying glint in his dark eyes. He cocked his head at her and spoke. "Perhaps we should break it down into its respective syllables. Repeat after me: Si."

Peep rolled her eyes. "Si."

"Very good," he praised. "Now: Ha."

"Ha," Peep grunted.

"Excellent. Now, all together: Siha."

"Seehaw."

Thane exhaled slowly through his flat nose. "...Not quite," he said, "but you're getting better." Okay. That was definitely a lie, but sometimes progress necessitated the occasional innocent untruth. "Again: Si."

Peep made a show of sighing heavily. "Si."

Thane nodded his encouragement. "Ha."

"...Ha."

"Siha."

"Seehaw."

There was this gesture humans were especially fond of, his siha included. Facepalm, Thane was pretty sure it was called. He was half tempted to try doing so, but tempered his desire with the knowledge that gentle reassurance was a better strategy for maintaining the pleasant status quo of their relationship than outward frustration. "It appears you are capable of vocalizing the syllables properly in isolation; however—"

"Ohmygod. _Thane_." Peep clapped both of her hands firmly on his shoulders and leaned close, sea-colored eyes boring into his own intently from under her dark brow. "Is this a being raised by hanar thing? Because I don't even care."


	5. Circles

Kolyat's face was grim as he stood in the doorway, gazing at his son, who was curled up in bed where _she _slept until a few days before.

"I...I don't know how to do this, Shepard. I don't think I _can _do this," he said thickly. His scales were dull with fatigue and the tender folds of skin at his cheeks and neck, usually such a vivid pink, were slack and pale with grief. Kolyat choked off an anguished rumble.

Peep looked at the young drell—not so young anymore, she guessed—and swallowed. Cautiously she approached Kolyat, turning him gently to face her. His eyes had that same doleful cast to them that Thane's used to. Peep's breath hitched, and she blinked rapidly to clear away a sudden well of tears. "You can, Kolyat," she said, taking his face into her weathered hands, and pressing her forehead to his softly. "You can and you _will_."


	6. Donuts

"Man, that was totally badass!" Peep whooped, pumping a fist in the air. Clouds of sand and dust swirled gently around them, coating the old car and its occupants in a fine layer of ruddy gold. "Amirite, Thane?"

Thane remained silent. His large eyes were unfocused, skipping around dizzily within their sockets. He fumbled weakly for the door latch and unceremoniously flung his long torso out of the vehicle just far enough to vomit mightily onto the fine red earth.

"Buck up, you sissy!" Peep cajoled and slapped the drell roughly on the back. "A couple donuts never hurt anybody!"

Thane slowly righted himself and slumped back into his seat. He swiped a shaky hand across his cleft mouth, closing his eyes and focusing on his breath for a few moments until the world stopped spinning. "Siha...are these 'donuts' truly a time-honored tradition amongst your species?" he asked faintly.

"Well, that's one way of putting it, I guess," she chuckled, rubbing the back of her head. "It's more like us poor people can't afford skycars and don't have anything better to do."

"I can think of numerous things that would be better to do. None of them require a vehicle."


	7. Children

"I wonder: Do you realize how fortunate you are to have grown up with such treasures?" Thane stroked the age-mottled cover of a book with something akin to reverence.

Peep looked around. Outdated fluorescent lights cast a sickly glow over everything. The air was sharp with the stale musk of decaying paper. She picked up the nearest tome, a small mass market paperback, dog-eared and tatty and at least a century old. Her fingers spread it open, forceful and dispassionate, and its spine crackled in protest. Peep's lip curled as her eyes scanned the text. There were apostrophes everywhere.

"Sure, Thane." She threw the book back down with a dull thump.

* * *

A/N: Thank you to the lovely guest reviewer who left me my first review yesterday! I appreciate your encouragement! And it looks like I have a follower now, as well. Thank you, too!


	8. Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra, Ra Ra Ra Raaaa, Part I

"I believe I am beginning to understand why you were so reluctant to introduce me to the place of your birth, Siha." Thane's pink throat darkened and swelled a bit to accommodate a deep rumble of displeasure as yet _another _snowflake fluttered down to stab him in the eye. His second eyelids were fully extended to protect the actual organs themselves, but the sensation was nonetheless frigid and unsettling.

Peep batted him on the shoulder. "Oh, stop that, you," she huffed. "How am I supposed to get your scarf on if you keep doing that throat thing?" She looped a long black length of wool around his neck a few times, tucking the ends into the top of his coat. "There," Peep said, patting Thane again once she fastened his buttons. "All done."

Thane looked down at his hands, which were completely swaddled in the same material as his scarf. While his fingers were undeniably warm, he felt trapped. "Are these...mittens really necessary?"

Peep rolled her eyes. "Yes, unless you'd prefer me to cut your middle fingers so you can fit into some gloves."

Thane opened his mouth to retort, but caught a glimpse of himself in the shop window. He eyed his reflection dubiously, lifting one mitten-muffled hand to the crown of his behatted head to probe at the small, floppy black sphere of yarn there.

"What did you call this again?"

"A pompom," Peep supplied, looking all too pleased with herself.

"And this is a common feature of human head coverings?" Thane's throat strained to expand against the snug fabric at his neck.

Peep gave him a flat stare. "It's a hat, Thane. It's a hat, and it has a pompom on top. Deal with it."

"It looks absurd," the drell insisted, shrinking away from Peep a bit.

"It looks _fine_. I'm wearing one, too!" Peep pointed to her own head, where a larger pompom of green and white poked up cheerfully.

"You have no idea how little that comforts me, Siha."

* * *

A/N: Two in one night. Feeling froggy, I guess! In case you guys haven't noticed, I like making Thane uncomfortable.


	9. Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra, Ra Ra Ra Raaaa, Part II

Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttt.

A fine spray of lava-hot liquid erupted from Thane's mouth into the freezing air. When his mouth was empty, he dabbed at his lips almost daintily with a napkin. Peep just shook her head.

"Perhaps you would prefer to drink this, Siha." It sounded like a polite suggestion, but Thane's hands indicated otherwise as he snatched Peep's own steaming cup away and exchanged it with his own.

"I don't think this relationship is going to work out. I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with a man who doesn't like hot chocolate."

Thane deliberately ignored her and sniffed his new beverage cautiously. The steam that wafted up from it had a pungent, spicy scent.

"That would be cider," Peep informed him, frowning. "And you _better _not spit that out, too. I'll take it if you don't want it."

Thane took a tiny sip and looked down at his cup with a pleased expression. "No, I believe this will suffice."


	10. Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra, Ra Ra Ra Raaaa, Part III

Thane had done many strange and dangerous things in his life at the behest of the Primacy. But, as he looked down at the herd of humans (or did one call them a flock, perhaps?) scrabbling across the ice rink, his Siha included, he was forced to reconsider his opinion of the circumstances surrounding his childhood, and a fair bit of his adult life as well.

Before Peep had set off onto the ice with her borrowed stick (he had done his best to talk her out of playing, but her "street cred" was at stake, whatever that meant), Thane had insisted on offering a prayer to Arashu for her safety. Of course, Peep had declined ("Pfft, _Arashu? _ No, no, no. You wanna pray for me, talk to that Amonkira guy!"). In the end, Thane had prayed to both.

At least, it seemed, his prayers had not gone unheeded. Peep's feet _were _swift and her aim _was _true, and she scored several goals, which in turn necessitated Arashu's protection, as Peep's prowess drew the ire of several of her fellow humans.

"You sonofabitch!" Peep's throaty voice was but a squeak in the wind from so far away. "Touch me again and I'll ram that puck straight up your—oof!"

Thane winced behind his cider as a burly male tackled Peep to the ground. For a split second he contemplated assisting her, but knew he'd be less than useless on the ice. Anyway, as soon as the thought crossed his mind, Peep had already managed to flip her assailant onto his back and now proceeded to pummel the living daylights out of him.

Thane drained his cup and looked around. Maybe there was a vendor around with more cider.

* * *

Thanks for the favorite! Hope you guys are enjoying these.


	11. Rain Check

Peep burst through the door with poorly contained enthusiasm. "Just gimme five minutes, baby, and we can go!" Thane had been feeling unusually well the last few days, and Peep had wasted no time making reservations at their favorite restaurant. It would be their first date in months. She'd even finagled getting off work early to get ready. Peep's swift stride slowed, however, when no response was forthcoming.

"Baby...?" The apartment was silent, and a small swell of dread rose in her stomach.

Peep kicked off her boots and padded quietly through the kitchen into the living room, expecting to find Thane resting on the couch, but he wasn't there. She looked in the small makeshift office to see if he was reading, and he wasn't there either. Of course, he wasn't in the shower, which only left the bedroom.

Peep nudged the door open gently. A small strip of light streamed in over her head, falling on the bed. Thane was there, bundled up under a mountain of blankets. The only noise was his shallow, rasping breath, slow with sleep.

Peep sighed and dragged her hand over her face, hoping the motion might help her swallow the knot of burning disappointment in her throat. She looked down and sighed quietly. He should have pinged her. Last time she checked, her omnitool had received no messages from him. Peep lifted her arm and flicked through the orange display, just in case she had missed something.

Four messages. _God_. How the hell had she missed them?

Peep ground the heel of her palm into her eye. She took a moment simply to breathe and get herself under control, and then she pinged the restaurant to cancel their reservations, before changing into some sweats to crawl in bed with Thane. He stirred as she slipped in behind him, slinking a lean arm around his waist.

"Siha," he sighed. Thane shifted his arm to overlay hers and threaded their fingers together. "I attempted to contact you."

"I know," she murmured, kissing his shoulder.

"I am sorry."

"No, no. Don't worry about it. It's... fine."

* * *

A/N: Anyone whose spouse is terminally/chronically ill knows what this is like. I hope I've managed to adequately express the feels.

Also, sometimes I get the feeling my commas are completely out of whack. Let me know if that's the case. I do legal transcription, and the rule of thumb where I work is the less commas, the better, generally speaking. I've been taking commas out for so long I can't remember whether I actually need them when I do use them.

Anyway, Happy New Year, everybody!


	12. Number One in da Hood

"And so den dese bitchez be like—"

"Kolyat."

"'Sup, G?"

Thane might have pinched the bridge of his nose if his were prominent enough to have one and if he were human. "Kolyat, I'm your father, not your 'G.' Now, please, speak normally if you would like to continue your story."

"Aight, aight. Jus' chill, yo!"

"..."

Thane loved his siha, but never would he forgive her for introducing his son to this particular brand of slang.

* * *

A/N: Omg, don't even ask, cuz I don't know.


	13. Potluck

"Hurghk...!" Peep launched herself toward the sink. "Oh, god, what the—" Peep's stomach gave a particularly unpleasant lurch. The undigested contents in her gut spewed forth with unparalleled violence, splashing back onto her face in small, colorful flecks of _nasty_.

"Thane, what the _fuck _did you just feed me?" she gasped and slumped over the basin, bracing her arm on the faucet, and her clammy forehead atop that. She shot her lover a baleful glare through the narrow gap between her body and the sink.

Thane himself was too busy with his own Technicolor yawn to reply at that moment, which was just as well, since Peep's stomach chose to rebel once more. She blinked back involuntary tears as stomach acid surged up through her nose. After a moment, she turned around slowly, one hand against the wall and the other on the counter, and sank with shaking knees to the cold tile floor.

Thane was in between purges now, and he looked over his shoulder, glassy-eyed but irritated, at Peep. "That was an ancient dish of my people, Siha, one that—blrghp!" He twisted back around and upchucked an astounding volume of clearish purple fluid, punctuated with large globs of Peep's own cooking.

Thane sat back on his haunches eventually, clutching at his midsection with one hand. "As I was saying," he said primly as one could when hunched on the floor over a toilet, "That was one of the few delicacies of Rakhana my people still have the means to prepare—" Thane ducked his head down again and cleared the last of the food with a miserable groan. When he was done, the drell fell back onto his rear more than sat, legs stretched before him on either side of the base of the toilet.

"Kalahira, grant me _peace_," he moaned under his breath. "At any rate, Siha, I believe a more appropriate question right now would concern what _you _fed _me_."

Peep merely turned her head and pressed her cheek firmly to the cool cabinet. "Whatever." After a moment of nauseated silence, she continued: "You didn't have to push me out of the way, though, you know."

Thane leaned back and stretched his arms behind him. He tipped his head back, breathing deeply. "I believe your kind has a saying. All is fair in love and war. Is that not so?"

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing, guys. This actually came up in a discussion on kmeme on whether food was enough to get in the way of a relationship. Someone else had made the point that it didn't have to just be levo vs. dextro incompatibility, which actually makes a lot of sense now that I think about it.


	14. Haute Couture

"You know..." Peep ground the heel of her hand into a spot just below Thane's shoulder blade. He was sprawled beneath her on the bed, now relaxed enough that he more resembled some kind of floppy lizard noodle than her boyfriend. Drellfriend. Whatever. "I was just thinking how nice your scales look."

Thane sounded a bit breathless as he turned his head away from his pillow. "And...? I assume there is something else you would like to say, Siha."

"You'd make a great handbag back on Earth."

"...I beg your pardon?"

"Yeah. Leather made out of snakes and stuff is worth beaucoups of money back home. And you look way cooler. Just think, baby: After you die, I could turn you into a purse and take you everywhere with me. It'll be great."

"Nothing would comfort me more than the knowledge that my body will still be of use to you even after I have crossed the sea, Siha."

Peep paused in her ministrations and squinted down at Thane. "Wait. Really? Cuz I was just joking."

"Of course not!" Thane wriggled and rolled over onto his back to frown up at Peep, nearly throwing her off in the process. The pink of his throat was blackening. "To be frank, I find your sense of humor disturbing. If you were to cross the sea before me and I were to console myself by making myself a new coat from your skin, I doubt you would find the sentiment flattering."

Peep rolled her eyes. "What are you getting so mad for? You people harvest your own sweat for people to put into cocktails. If anything, leather seems like an obvious next step. Just saying."

"We do not 'sweat,' and I have never volunteered my body for that purpose." Thane's throat expanded slightly, just enough to make a tiny annoyed rumble.

"Haven't you, though?" Peep lunged down and swiped a broad, spitty line across Thane's chest with her tongue.

With a light, lingering touch, Thane brought his hands to her waist as she sat back up. "You are..."

"Yessss?" Peep leered.

"...insufferable." Suddenly, Thane shoved her, and Peep tumbled over the side of the bed with a squawk.

* * *

A/N: As proof that there is no such thing as an original idea, a day or two after it occurred to me to write this, I found a picture on deviantart of two women carrying drell purses by efleck. Dammit. It's under the xmas cards category of her gallery. Check it out!


	15. Despicable He

"Puh! Puh! Blah!" Squinty-eyed, Peep tried to spit the sand out of her mouth with little success. "This is all your fault."

"What do you mean, Siha?" Thane wrapped his arms loosely around his siha's head and shoulders as she bent down to hide her face in his chest.

"All this _wind_. You want revenge because I made you go out in the snow on Earth." Peep's sour tone was muffled by Thane's shirt.

"I have no control over the weather, Siha." Thane patted Peep's shorn head placatingly.

Peep continued to sulk as the wind whipped around them. Thane, of course, seemed perfectly at home, posture straight and relaxed, nictating membranes fully extended to shield his eyes from the same sand presently attempting to blind his siha.

When the wind died down, Peep straightened and stepped away. She gave Thane a once over and then looked down at herself with a sigh. "Man, it's not even sticking to you! I'm gonna have a rash by the time we get home." She kicked at the ground petulantly, and swore when sand filled her shoe. "I knew I should have worn my envirosuit."

* * *

A/N: For those of you who may have done a double-take when I said Peep 'bent down to hide her face,' yes, she is taller than Thane. I hope I haven't completely shattered your worlds. Also, thanks to DKLC and Lisa776 for continuing to review! :D I think this place needs a kudos button like AO3... I'd have more of an idea where these drabbles stand. They must not suck too badly, though, considering my view count.


	16. Flashback

Peep was huddled up on the couch watching news vids, sunlight shining softly over her shoulders, when Thane entered the living room.

"Good morning, " he greeted.

Peep turned to face him, but paused, coffee mug halfway between its original resting place on the end table and her mouth. Though her eyes tracked Thane as he approached, they seemed far away, as though she were looking through him rather than at him.

"Siha?" Thane slipped soft fingers under Peep's chin and tilted her face up.

"Hm?" Peep shook herself, but leaned back into his touch with a smile. "Oh, nothing. Just remembering."


	17. Fortress

Peep leaned against the door frame with her arms crossed over her chest. "What are you _doing?_"

Thane knelt on the bed, stacking up a line of pillows down the middle of the mattress, somehow looking completely serious as he did so. When he was done, he patted and fluffed them, checking for structural integrity with a calculating gleam in his eye, and then got down to face Peep.

"Siha." Thane's features were grave, and he tugged one of her hands free and pressed it gently between his own. Peep started to sweat a bit. Was this the prelude to some sort of quasi-divorce? "I love you, but I cannot abide the present state of your legs. I would find more comfort sleeping with a bale of barbed wire. Either remove the hair entirely or let it grow. I have no preference. In the meantime, until you have reached a decision on how best to groom yourself, I have found a solution that I believe will allow us to continue to share the same bed with no inconvenience to either party."

With that, Thane gave Peep a small peck on the lips and crawled under the covers on his side of the bed with a self-satisfied rumble.

* * *

A/N: Double post! Woo-woo!


	18. Ducks

Peep pulled out her seat and sank down, licking her lips nervously. "Thanks for meeting me on such short notice, Bailey. I'm sure you had other things to do."

"Don't worry about it, Shepard. What do you need?"

Peep coughed slightly and flagged a nearby waitress over and ordered them both a couple beers. Bailey gave her a flat look at the obvious stall tactic. Peep flushed and scratched the back of her head.

"Look..._Ineedafavor_," she rushed.

"Easy there. What's got you so out of sorts?" Bailey leaned back and crossed his arms.

"I..." Peep swallowed and looked down at the table. She fiddled with the silverware but stopped when she nearly sent the knife flying. Bailey's brows shot toward his hairline. She sheepishly scooted the utensil back to its proper place and clasped her hands tightly in her lap. "I've decided not to renew my contract with the Alliance. I was wondering how you think I'd do in C-Sec."

"I'd say you wouldn't last a day, if this is how you really are."

Peep chuckled weakly. In record time, the asari was back with their drinks. Peep slugged half hers down on the spot and set it back down with a loud clunk.

"Calm down, Shepard." Bailey raised his hands and made small downward pushing motions in the air. "Are you just asking for an opinion, or are you asking for a job?"

"Both, I guess," Peep shrugged.

"Well, what's this all about, exactly?" Bailey looked at Peep over the rim of his pint, taking a slow draught.

"You remember Thane."

"Yeah, him and his boy. Kolyat. Nice kid once you get past the mouth," Bailey chuckled.

"Yeah, well, some of that might be my fault..." Peep scratched the side of her nose, smiling slightly.

"No kidding."

Peep took a breath. "Anyway, Thane's sick. Been sick. He's not too bad off right now, but, frankly, I don't know how long that's gonna last. I can't take care of him if I'm always on float, and Kolyat can't do it alone either. I need to get my shit together now so I can handle things later on down the road. I don't wanna find out in some stupid comm message while I'm on a ship in the ass end of the universe that he's dead."

Bailey puffed his cheeks out and exhaled loudly. "Hell, Shepard."

"Look, I understand if you can't—" Peep leaned forward anxiously.

"Now, hold on." Bailey held up a hand to stop her. "I didn't say anything yet. I don't mind doing you a favor, Shepard. They've paid off so far. But you're asking a lot here. I mean, what kind of timeframe are we talking here? A couple weeks, a month, before you're done?"

"What?" Peep blinked. "Nooooo. No, no, no. I've got like two years before I can get out."

"Oh. Well, I guess that makes things a bit easier." Bailey sat back again and rubbed his thumb over his chin. "I can't guarantee you anything, Shepard, but I'll see what I can do. Let me tell you, though, this ain't no walk in the park. The hours are shit, and so is the pay."

"I don't care about that."

"You might not see Thane any more than you already do."

"At least we'll be in the same place."

Bailey sucked on his teeth. "Stubborn. What're you looking for? Clerical, I might be able to squeeze you in somewhere straight off. If you wanna be an officer, though, you'll still have to go through the Academy."

"Honestly, I hadn't thought that far ahead." Peep blushed. "At this point, I just wanna know I got _something _lined up."

"Well, like I said, don't go putting all your eggs in one basket. For what it's worth, with your experience, I'd be surprised if C-Sec _didn't _take you."

"Thanks, Bailey." Peep let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. "This means a lot."

Bailey shrugged, but a soft blush on his leathery face belied his nonchalance. "Family's important, Shepard." Bailey hid behind another swig of his drink. "You've got time, though. Maybe you'll find something else you'd rather do. Or at least something that pays worth a damn."

Peep grinned ruefully. "Maybe. Probably not."

* * *

A/N: I wish FF and Word would stop messing with my em dashes.


	19. Parenting FTW

"Don't you gimme that lip, you little twerp, or I'll box your frill! Now go to your room and stay there until dinner's done!"

"You're not my mother—!" THWAP. "_Ow!_"

"Get! Go on!"

"Dad! You aren't really gonna let her do this, are you?"

"Kolyat..."

"Ugh, fine. You always take her side!"

"I do no such thing. Now, please, do as Alhena bids and go to your room."

"Whatever!"

Stomp, stomp, stomp, SLAM.

"That went well, I think. High five, baby!"

"..."

"...High four?"

* * *

A/N: I think Kolyat's made enough appearances that he deserves his own listing as a main character now.

Thank you for the reviews!

SophusMao: Noooo. Probably not going to write anything about killing off Thane. I'll play the game again if I want to see that. *sob* These drabbles are supposed to be sunshine and rainbows and unicorns for the most part.


	20. Spawn of the Devil

"Shit, shit, _shit! _God, I'm sorry, baby!"

Thane made a mad dash to the kitchen sink and stuffed his head under the faucet. There was an odd, high-pitched sort of droning in the air. As cold water gushed over his face, Thane realized the distressed noise was his own.

"I mean, I coulda swore I told you about onions!" Peep wrung her hands, a strange gesture that did not suit her. Not that Thane saw or cared: He was rather preoccupied with trying not to claw his eyes out.

"Please, Siha—" he hissed through clenched teeth. What was _wrong _with humans? What simpleton was the first to behold such a root, and, despite burning eyes, declare it fit for consumption?

A soft touch was at his back, and Thane jerked in surprise, knocking his head on the spout. Water went up his nose and he sputtered. Thane righted himself slowly and blinked several times as he turned to face Peep, who backed away hastily. Her eyes darted to his throat, which was fully expanded and almost completely black.

"Sorry?" Peep ducked her head and winced.

"I assumed Kepral's would be that which eventually kills me. I see now that it is far more likely that I will fall to some strange ailment or injury your food brings me," he glowered.

Peep grabbed a nearby dishtowel and began to pat Thane's face and neck dry. "You know what? How bout I just handle kitchen duty alone tonight? I'll get you a cold rag for your eyes and you can go sit."

"What makes you think I would ever entertain the idea of eating anything with onions in it after what just happened?"

Peep paused in her ministrations. Thane stared at her, soggy and sullen.

Very slowly and deliberately, Peep hung the towel over Thane's cranky face and stepped away. "Well. I'll just be going, then."

* * *

A/N: OMG it is so hard not to post all these at once...

DKLC: Nope. I just write whatever pops into my head at the time. I have a whole list of prompts I've thought up for myself, and I'm working through them. (Great way to pass a boring workday. Shh. Don't tell my boss.) These aren't in chronological order, and while they are AU (excepting Peep, Thane and Kolyat's origins), I try to keep them vague enough that people could theoretically work them into canon somehow. Some of them might even contradict each other at some point. Who knows. The only one where Thane could possibly be construed as dead is "Circles." Depends on how you want to read it.


	21. Reservations

"Sorry, ma'am. No pets allowed."

Peep went very still. "..._Excuse me?_"

The host lifted his chin and looked down his nose at her with the sort of expression someone might wear upon smelling dogshit. "I said—"

Peep launched herself across the counter with a snarl. "_Don't you talk about my husband that way! _Just who the _fuck _do you think you are?!" They tumbled to the ground in a tangle of limbs, but Peep got up quick, one hand twisted in his collar, the other cocked back in a fist. A strong grip clamped around her wrist just as she was about to strike and hauled her up bodily.

"Siha, no!"

"Let me _go_, Thane!"

Thane hooked his free arm around Peep's waist and resolutely dragged her back around the counter, grunting with the effort. Peep thrashed and spat and cursed. Other patrons in the lobby edged back, mostly wide-eyed and terrified, but one had an omnitool out and was recording everything, much to Thane's chagrin.

"Where the hell is your manager?! Expect to hear from my lawyer, because I'm—" Thane moved his hand from Peep's wrist to cover her mouth, but she squirmed away. "—gonna sue you motherfuckers for every last stinkin' penny you got!"

Thane reached the lobby entrance just as Peep was about to launch into a new barrage of insults. He practically fell against the doors as Peep struggled against him. When they were outside, he tugged her off to the side and held her tightly until she stopped moving.

"Just let me go," Peep sighed, slumping.

Thane only partially complied, and turned Peep to face him, stroking her arms. She was shaking like a leaf, chest heaving erratically. Big, fat tears rolled down her splotchy face as snot dripped from her nose onto her quivering lip. Odd little snorts and whuffing noises escaped her whenever she sucked in a breath.

Thane brought a hand up to wipe her face. "It's all right. Calm down, Siha," he murmured.

"C-c-calm down?" she cried. Apparently that had been the wrong thing to say, if the look on her face were anything to go by. Thane tugged Peep down and pressed her face to his neck. He caressed her spine and rumbled soothingly into her ear.

Just as he thought Peep had settled, she pushed him away and clutched at his shoulders. "What is _wrong _with you? How can you just be so—so—" Her voice cracked.

"His bigotry displeases me, yes," Thane admitted, "but my greatest priority is your wellbeing." He paused to wipe her face again and cupped her cheek. "Please stop crying."

"Oh, goddammit," Peep moaned pathetically, giving Thane a little shove. She pressed her forehead to his. "How am I supposed to s-stop crying when you say shit like that?"


	22. Sickie

"...This doesn't mean I like you." Kolyat looked away from Peep to stare a hole through the wall as she fluffed his pillow.

"Well, good. I don't like you either," she said lightly, bundling the blanket snugly around him.

"I mean it." The pink of Kolyat's throat alternately flushed and blanched. Such a moody kid, Peep thought. Although, some of it might have been his fever. "Don't think you can just—mmf!"

Nah. Just moody. Peep jerked the edge of Kolyat's comforter up and tucked it over his mouth and around his frill. He looked like an irate caterpillar.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you not to look a gift horse in the mouth?" Peep thumped him right on the dark spot in the middle of his forehead. "Ah, you probably don't even know what a horse is," she lamented, now patting Kolyat's head consolingly.

An angry, muffled hum struggled to escape the fluffy fabric prison. Kolyat wiggled around, displacing Peep from her precarious perch on the edge of the couch cushion. He finally managed to free his head and sucked in a large breath. "Would you just get off, already?"

"All right, all right. Yeesh." Peep swatted Kolyat's knee. "You must take after your mother, because your dad is never this pissy."

Kolyat gave Peep a withering glare and then rolled over.

"I'll take that as a yes."

* * *

A/N: I don't know why, but I keep thinking of Peep as a Pokedad. And I'm unable to resist Kolyat's cranky-ass charms. Also, thanks for the favorite and the follow!


	23. Relativity

"But wait, though." Peep leaned forward with grimness only the exceptionally drunk could muster. "If you remember everything..." Peep stretched her arm out slowly in front of herself for emphasis. Or balance. "...that means you remember remembering. I mean, what if it just keeps going and you thought about the time you thought about thinking about a thought? It's like some giant Escher-y clusterfuck. In your _brain_."

Thane didn't know who or what an Escher was, but he did know it was now officially time for his siha to go to bed.


	24. A for Effort

"Would you stop _laughing!_"

Thane tried in earnest to comply. His silence lasted all of half a second.

"Seriously, Thane! Help me out already!" His siha banged her tape-tangled fist on the counter. In her vehemence, the roll, which was still attached to Peep's right hand by a long, sticky ribbon, bounced high off the countertop and narrowly missed her face.

Thane turned around and pressed a hand over his mouth. It did absolutely nothing to muffle his laughter, but at least she couldn't see the look on his face. "I apologize, Siha. I should not belittle your endeavor to understand other paradigms of existence."

"If you really mean that, then get your little green butt over here and get this tape off my fingers."

Thane glanced at his siha over his shoulder. A lovely shade of deep red crept up her neck and over her face, a sign of either great embarrassment or anger. Given the circumstances, Thane thought it prudent to assume his siha was feeling both. Despite himself, another tremulous hiss of amusement vibrated through his throat.

"Glad you think this is so funny." Peep pawed at her restraints clumsily with her left hand, the middle two fingers of which were bound neatly together from knuckle to tip, a stark contrast to the twisted mess mangling her other hand. 'Handedness' in humans never ceased to amaze Thane. It was obviously a crippling weakness.

"It is my understanding that you are attempting to create a drell 'worldview' for yourself, as it were, most likely for the sake of deepening our relationship. Would you abandon your efforts so easily?" Thane faced his siha fully and took her hand in his, trailing a line up and down the tape where the split between her fingers ought to have been. It took every ounce of willpower he had not to start laughing again.

Peep must have read something in his face, because she jerked her hand away and scowled. "If it means I can flip you off properly again, you're damn right I would."


	25. Stealth Check: Success

Thunk.

Clang.

Thump.

Click, clack, clatter, wham, fwp, fwp, thwap, clunk, skrrrt, bam, whap, wump, ka-chink, swff, swff, tink-tink-tink-tink-tinkkkk...

Peep's jaw went slack. She looked from the enormous pile of weaponry on the hotel table and back to Thane, who was now rummaging through his luggage for something more comfortable to wear.

"Jesus lover. Tell me you did _not_ just smuggle all that shit through customs."

Thane merely gave her one of his usual placid smiles.

"How the hell do you even hide this crap?" Peep gestured incredulously with one arm at Thane's arsenal. "I mean, you know we have to go through customs again when we leave, right?"

"Your lack of faith wounds me, Siha." Thane, halfway out of his pants, laid his hand over his heart, a tad low and on the wrong side, and gave Peep the most aggrieved expression he could muster.

Peep scoffed and flapped her hand at him dismissively. "We're on vacation, Thane. What are you going to shoot? Flowers?"

"Considering your own dubious ability to comply with authority, I don't think there is much room for you to criticize me." Thane tugged a new shirt over his head. "Observe." He plucked Peep's carry-on away from her with a small flourish. After a moment of rooting around, he held up a pistol. _Peep's_ pistol. Thane still had that polite little half-smile on his face, but she felt the smugness rolling off him in waves.

Peep crossed her arms and lifted her chin. "Yeah, so? It's _one_ pistol. You, on the other hand, are just one Cain short of having a nuclear stockpile."

"It is better to have and not need than to need and not have. Don't you agree?"


	26. The Darkest Corner with the Best View

"We are literally five minutes away from the house!" Peep squealed. "Can't you just—oof!"

Thane shoved her up against the building face-first, holding fast to her wrists. His siha had been _looking_ again. "Don't be coy." He leaned forward to hiss in her ear, and she shivered. "I saw you."

Peep's eyes fluttered shut. "Saw me what, exactly?"

Thane moved Peep's hands to press shoulder height against the sleek metal surface. Obediently she kept them there as Thane snuck his own under her shirt. He raked his nails feather-light up her back and around to her ribs. Already he felt her skin start to prickle. Pleased, Thane rumbled in her ear again and slowly trailed his fingertips down the soft, flat plane of her stomach, lingering at the waistband of her pants. He was rewarded with a faint groan.

"Now, Siha," he chided, nipping at her ear, "You must be quiet. It wouldn't do for us to be caught."

Thane sucked in a breath as Peep arched her spine and ground her ample backside into his groin. She flicked a half-lidded smirk over her shoulder at him.

Thane stepped back, pulling Peep with him by the hips. He ran his lips along the back of her neck and then shoved her away. "Remove your shirt." Peep complied. "And your bra."

The instant her torso was bare, Thane crushed her against the wall again. Peep squeaked slightly with surprise, dropping her clothes. Thane bit his way greedily along the strong line of her shoulder, throat thrumming quietly in smug satisfaction with each gasp and sigh that passed her lips. With deft hands, he made short work of the clasp and zipper at the front of Peep's waist before shoving her trousers and underwear down just far enough to expose her to the air. Thane parted her legs rudely with a knee as he freed himself. As his length grazed her smooth flesh, Peep immediately wiggled her way backwards.

Thane grabbed her hips roughly. "Be still," he ordered, tracing his cock up and down the cleft of her ass slowly, enjoying the way she strained against his grip.

"Please, would you just—oh, _fuck!_" Peep cut herself off with a moan as Thane abruptly slammed into her slick heat.

Thane closed his eyes, savoring the exotic sensation of her tightness around him, and then eased back until the tip of his erection was barely within her. Peep whimpered.

"Hush, Siha." With a sharp snap of his hips, Thane buried himself to the hilt once more, setting a slow but forceful pace that bounced Peep up onto her tiptoes with every thrust. He watched her hands clench and unclench in pleasure as she clung to the wall for support. Thane snaked a hand between her legs, finding her clit with ease. Bucking, Peep clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle a curse.

Thane worked his fused fingers over her relentlessly. He dragged Peep away slightly from the building and pushed down on the small of her back with his free hand, forcing her to bend over. She braced herself with one forearm against the wall, hiding her moans in the crook of her elbow.

Completely ignoring his own advice, Thane began to purr loudly. He knew his siha was close. Her legs were trembling and she'd moved her free hand to clutch at his, equally as desperate to push his fingers more firmly against herself as she was to pull them away. He was going to make her come _right here _in the middle of the wards. Thane quickened his thrusts. She was going to limp out of this alleyway looking and smelling thoroughly fucked and everyone was going to know he—

"Hey, is someone back there?"

They froze. Thane turned his head slowly toward the entrance of the alley. The silhouette of an armored turian blocked most of the gap, limned in the neon glow of nearby shop signs as he craned his neck to peer into the shadows. Thane squeezed Peep's rear, a silent warning to remain still. She clenched around him in response. Thane inhaled sharply.

A mistake. The turian whipped his head around, facing straight toward them, but still unable to see. "This is Citadel Security. There's no loitering in this area, especially not back here. Just come on out and I'll let you be on your way."

Thane's eyes darted around, evaluating all possible routes of escape. Peep was likely doing the same, even in her awkward position. Thane patted her hip, route already chosen.

"Fine, have it your way." The C-Sec officer took a step toward them.

Lightning fast, Thane retracted back into his seam, pulled up their pants, and jerked Peep up by the arm. She barely managed to snag her discarded top and bra. "Run!"

They dashed through cramped side streets and narrow passageways, vaulting expertly over a variety of obstacles, 150 Standard worth the angry turian hot on their heels. Thane glanced back at Peep, who alternately swore and laughed as she wrestled, bra in one hand, to get her shirt back on without slowing down. The smile on her face was completely worth the sting in his lungs.

* * *

A/N: Figured I'd throw you guys a bone...Thane's bone, that is. *guffaw* Excuse my crude humor. Actually, I felt like an idiot writing this. I've read tons of smut, but never actually bothered to write any until now.

In case anyone was wondering, 150 Standard is 125 kilos (275-ish lbs on Earth for my fellow 'Mericans who slept through science class). I had a whole world-building explanation typed up for you guys on the system of measurements in use in Council Space, totally made up by yours truly. Then I remembered I just wrote a bunch of porn. lol. You'll notice elsewhere that Peep uses US measurements. More on that later.


	27. Boundaries

"If it makes you feel better, I used to be lactose intolerant, too." Peep's voice was muffled.

"While I appreciate the sentiment, Siha, no, it does not." Thane exhaled slowly through his nose.

"They gave me gene therapy when I joined the Alliance," she continued blithely. There was a slight shff-shff noise against the door. "Maybe you should get some. Then you wouldn't have to worry about it anymore."

Thane hissed, annoyed. Like most humans, his siha was content to pretend many bodily urges did not exist. As such, she had insisted on a human style bathroom, completely enclosed with a locking door, to ensure maximum privacy. Yet, somehow, here his siha was, leaning against the door, chattering on without a care in the world as though he weren't right in the middle of shitting himself inside out. Unbelievable. "That's quite all right. I believe our financial assets would be better invested in other things. I will simply abstain."

"Yeah, but _ice cream_—"

"Siha."

"Yeah, baby?"

"If you absolutely must have this conversation right now, come inside. I will not speak to you through the door any longer."

"Oh. Uh...right. Well. See you later, then." Footsteps hurried back down the hallway.

Thane shook his head. Typical.


	28. Roadtrip

"Baby, we are _lost_."

"I know where we are, Siha."

"Whatever. I know we passed that dune an hour ago."

"There is little difference in appearance from one dune to the next. How would you be able to tell?"

"Exactly my point."

"Your reasoning is flawed. I am not relying simply upon landmarks to navigate."

"Oh, so what are you? A fucking sea turtle, now?"

"Siha, we are almost there. This journey will pass more quickly if you stop complaining."

"Just ask someone for directions. _Please_."

"Precisely who would you have me ask? The small cluster of rocks just ahead?"

"..."

"Ah, wait. It seems there is a flat tract of land over there. Shall I drive over it in hopes of discovering a nest of thresher maws? Perhaps if we rouse them, they will be kind enough to point the way to our destination."

"Fine, smartass. Have it your way. But when we shrivel up and die of dehydration, don't say I didn't tell you so."


	29. Duck Season

"All right, Amonkira. Do your shit! Oo-rah!"

"Siha, you know very well that is not how it goes."

"What's wrong with paraphrasing? I know what I mean, he knows what I mean. It's all good. Y'know what I mean?"

"Please, Siha. Do it properly or not at all."

"But—"

"_Siha_."

"Oh, fine."

"Now, Amonkira..."

"Lord of hunters."

"Excellent."

"Grant that my hands be steady."

"Next?"

"My aim be—do I really have to do this?"

"Yes."

"It's target practice!"

"Siha."

"O-_kay_. Jeez. My aim be true."

"And?"

"And my feet swift. You know, I'm not really gonna be moving very much. The targets are kind of, well, _stationary_."

"Regardless, one should always seek Amonkira's—"

"It sounds stupid when I do it!"

"To the contrary. There is no sound lovelier than your voice and no joy greater than to hear it in prayer."

"Really?"

"Of course."

"But what about in bed? Pretty sure you'd rather—"

"Must everything revolve around sex with you?"

"If you haven't figured that out by now, I have to wonder how we made it this long. Now budge over so I can shoot!"

* * *

A/N: I'm kind of behind the Thane learning curve, but in case you guys haven't heard this guy's stuff before, visit justabenedictine on tumblr and click on his Mass Effect posts category. He has several fan recordings of Thane uploaded, and oh my god his voice will send your ovaries into overdrive (ovardrive?). Check out 'Thane's Lament.' Socks you straight in the feels. Obviously his voice isn't exactly the same as Keythe Farley's, but in terms of pronunciation and rythm, it's spot on. I think if he had the drell voice filter, you'd be hard pressed to tell the difference. Definitely listen to his hanar and Zaeed tracks, too!

As always, thanks for reading and reviewing!


	30. Krakatoa

Thane slid his arms around Peep's waist, nuzzling his cheek against the soft dark fuzz on her head. "Siha."

She leaned back into his embrace with a sigh and pulled his arms tighter, before turning to face him. "Hey." She leaned in for a kiss, but Thane had frozen, eyes glued to the end of her nose.

Peep stopped short. "What's wrong?"

"You...how shall I put it?" Blinking, Thane searched for a delicate way to vocalize his thoughts, but fell short. "There is something on your nose, Siha."

"Dammit. Of course you'd notice." She pulled away and cupped her hand over her face. "Thirty-two years old, and I still get zits. Where is the justice?"

"'Zits?'" Thane pulled her back toward him. Her elbow jutted uncomfortably into his ribs where she hid her nose, but he didn't mind. "Come here."

Peep's eyes frowned down at him over her fingers.

"There is no need to hide, Siha," Thane said gently, coaxing her hand down. "Why are you upset?""

"Because I look like fucking _Rudolph_," Peep groaned, trying to cover her nose again.

Thane held on to her wrist. "Who?" He knew he ought not stare, as the strange bump on her nose was obviously causing her quite a bit of distress, but he simply couldn't help himself.

Peep blushed and turned her head away. "Don't worry about it," she grumbled.

Thane caught Peep by the chin and studied her with open curiosity. Slowly he raised a finger. Peep's eyes tracked the motion nervously.

"What are you—_ow!_ Don't touch it, you weirdo!" Peep reared back and slapped his hand away.

Thane flapped his wrist back and forth to shake the sting out. "My apologies. I was unaware that your affliction is painful."

Peep grimaced. "Oh my god, Thane. Don't call it an affliction. You make me sound diseased."

Thane gave her a flat look.

"Oh. Oops. Yeah, I didn't mean it like that." Peep ducked her head.

Thane crossed one arm over his chest and braced the elbow of the other in his upturned palm. He ran his fingers over the back of his frill, cocking his head. "Is it permanent?"

Peep looked scandalized. "What? _God_, no. Holy crap, I would die if I had to walk around looking like this the rest of my life. It'll go away by itself eventually. Or I can try popping it."

Thane had been about to ask why she felt so self-conscious if the problem was going to resolve itself. Then he heard the last part. He stepped back, eying the 'zit' warily. "...Popping it?"

"You could at least pretend like you aren't freaked out, you know," Peep said glumly. "What happened to 'There is no need to hide'? Anyway, human skin has these little holes in it called pores." She drew a circle in the air around her face. "Sometimes they get clogged up with dirt and stuff, and then you end up with a zit."

Thane was tempted to lean closer to get a really good look—he was certain he'd never noticed these 'pores' before—but the possibility of accidentally popping her 'zit' and whatever _that _entailed was more than enough to keep him rooted in place.

Peep scratched the back of her head, fidgeting under his scrutiny. "Usually kids get them. I haven't had one this bad since I was sixteen, probably. When they get like this, you can push down on them and they pop, and all the stuff that was stuck in there comes out. It's pretty grody."

Thane barely managed to suppress his horror. "I am inclined to agree."

Peep snorted. "Gee, baby. Tell me how you really feel, why don't you?" She held up a hand. "That was sarcasm, by the way. I don't really want your opinion."

"That is probably for the best." The words just sort of spilled out of Thane's mouth. Internally, he was mortified, and he knew he ought to correct himself, but it seemed all he could do was stare at the tiny flesh-bomb on Peep's face waiting to explode.

Peep recoiled, mouth slack. "Wow, you are just _rude _today. I don't make fun of you when you molt." She put her hands on her hips, indignant. "What if this _was _permanent? You'd dump me in a heartbeat, I bet. Can't be seen in public with little ol' pizza-faced Peep, oh, no."

For once in his life, Thane could think of nothing appropriate to say. His mind raced. What became of the material trapped beneath her skin? Did it ferment? Would it smell? Was it a solid mass, or perhaps liquid? Would it ooze? Would it burst? Arashu preserve him, he hoped whatever came out had no color.

Peep tossed her hands up at his silence. "You know what? I'm feeling like a generous siha right now, so I'm gonna assume you're just having an off day. I was just gonna let this thing go away by itself, but since it obviously bothers you so much, I guess I'll pop it after all." She stalked off toward the bathroom.

Thane stood there staring at the empty space where Peep had been, struggling to make sense of her words. She was going to pop it... _ She was going to pop it. _ Utterly repulsed, Thane couldn't have stayed away even if his life depended on it. "Wait, Siha—!"

* * *

A/N: Thanks for the favs and follows!


	31. Primitive

Swish. "Argh!"

Swish. "Aw, come on!"

Swish. "Crap."

Swish. "You _mother!_"

Swish. "Stupid piece of—!"

Thane stood at the door, hand hovering hesitantly over the lever, and contemplated the risks of investigating the strange noises coming from the bedroom. His siha could be up to anything in there. There was a loud bang and then a moment of strangled silence, followed by a slight whimper. Then the swishing and swearing began again. Disgusted with his own insatiable curiosity, Thane heaved a resigned sigh and nudged his way in.

Peep was shuffling around the room, naked, kicking her panties across the floor. Thane pressed a hand to the pink ribbing of his cheek and tilted his head. On second thought, kicking was too generous a word. Kicking required coordination. His siha appeared to be suffering from something more like massive, involuntary bodily spasms.

Peep turned her head to greet Thane, but otherwise continued with her mysterious task. "Hi, baby," she grunted, flinging her leg out awkwardly, toes skimming the waist of her underwear. She lunged forward, arm outstretched and fingers wiggling, as the garment went sailing through the air.

"Siha, what are you doing?"

"Laundry." Peep ran after her underwear and repeated the process.

"Ah. I see." As if that explained it all. Unsure what to do with himself, and rather at a loss for words, Thane clasped his hands politely behind his back. He watched Peep make her way around the room in a clumsy circle before continuing. "At what point does your clothing actually make it to the washing machine?"

"After I catch it, of course." Peep's tongue poked out at the corner of her mouth, and her pale eyes narrowed in concentration. Swish. "Nuts. Missed again."

Peep's fruitless chase was leading her slowly back toward Thane. He shook his head, exasperated. "I believe there are more efficient ways to complete this chore, Siha."

"You're missing the point, baby."

Peep's panties flew past Thane, waist height. His hand shot out and plucked them from mid-air just as Peep lurched toward them herself. He crossed over to the other side of the room and dropped them daintily into the laundry hamper. "Illuminate me."

Peep looked incredulously from Thane to the hamper, and back to Thane again, curling her hands up into little claws of dismay. "You've _ruined _it! Pull those back out right now!"

Thane's throat began to swell slightly under Peep's expectant stare. "What purpose—"

"I'm _illuminating _you. Now, put them back!" Peep crossed her arms and cocked her hip in her trademark stubborn stance. It was imposing even without clothes, much less armor.

Thane hadn't survived this long by being an idiot. Sometimes it was better just to let his siha have her way. He tossed her underwear back on the floor with a sigh and made to leave.

"Oh, no, buster." Peep caught him by the arm. "You ain't goin' nowhere, not 'til you learn some appreciation for the fine art of kicking your underwear into your hand!"

"Siha, you cannot be serious." Thane tugged his arm away, throat darkening. "This is absurd."

"Oh, but I am. Maybe next time you'll think twice about ruining all my hard work." She pointed to her underwear. "Go on, then. Get cracking. You can only put it in the laundry after you catch it."

"Is this necessary?" Thane glowered down at the offensive scrap of fabric.

"The sooner you do it, the sooner you can leave." Peep moved to block the door.

"You realize—"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. There's twelve ways to escape and you know thirty-eight and a half ways to incapacitate me. Just do it."

Thane prodded her underwear reluctantly with a toe. "That was uncalled for."

"So was stealing my undies."

"I had no intention of saying anything of the sort," he insisted, turning to face her.

"You're stalling," Peep said pointedly.

Thane began to rumble. Loudly. He scrunched his toes over Peep's underwear and lifted his leg, reaching down awkwardly to grab the fabric outright. He extended his arm, the panties dangling from a finger. "There."

"You can't just grab them off your foot! You have to _toss _them." Peep wiggled her toes at him for emphasis. "Go on."

Thane flung the panties down with a bit more force than strictly necessary, shooting Peep a disgruntled look from the corner of his eye. He placed his foot over them again and flicked up, sticking his arm out. They flipped right into his open hand.

"Ah." Thane blinked. Despite himself, the tiniest sliver of pride blossomed in his chest. He looked over at Peep smugly. "May I leave now, Siha?"

Peep banged her head against the door with the groan. "Would it just _kill _you to suck at something for once?"


	32. Taboo

Peep plucked Thane's frills delicately between her fingers and pulled his head up with a frown. "No, baby. Just no."

Thane blinked up at her with confusion, lower half of his face glistening. His appearance might have been comical, were the situation not so dire. "Siha?"

Peep shook her head and scooted away. "I'm sorry. I love you, and I love it when you talk dirty, but we just do not use the M-word to describe my lady bits. It ain't right."

Thane lifted himself to sit across from her, tongue darting out to clean his lips. "'M-word?'"

"Please don't make me say it." Peep grimaced. "It's bad enough you said it. I don't even like to think it."

Thane's brow twitched just before sudden understanding dawned across his features. "Ah. You are referring to m—"

Peep threw herself at him and clapped a hand over his mouth. "Don't say it!" she hissed.

His flat nose wrinkled slightly as he pried her hand away. "You will have to explain your aversion to this word. It seems perfectly reasonable to me."

Peep shuddered with distaste. "Cakes are moist. Dirt is moist. I am not moist."

Thane's eyes flicked significantly toward the slick skin between Peep's legs. "But you are."

"Ugh. Just stop. You aren't allowed to talk anymore." Peep held a hand up in front of his face, and dragged a blanket to cover herself. "I mean, just listen to it: Moist. Moist. Moooooist." Peep tested the word out, lips contorting bizarrely to accommodate her exaggerated pronunciation. "What sick bastard thought that word up? It even sounds disgusting."

"Very well. I will avoid using it in the future." Thane shook his head, resigned.

Peep patted his hand appreciatively. "Great." Then she eyed him skeptically. "...And avoid 'damp,' too."

Thane regarded Peep much like one would a particularly large and gross insect. "Why would I call you 'damp?'"

"Really? That's where you draw the line?" Peep rolled her eyes up at the ceiling. She jumped as Thane's hand snaked under the sheet and up the inside of her thigh. "What are you doing?" Peep shooed him away and shut her legs.

Thane looked around them slowly. "Is that really in question at this point?"

Peep slid off the bed with a snort. "No way, man. Forget it. The mood is totally ruined."


	33. Understanding

"Are you even paying attention to me?" Kaidan sat on his hand before he could wave it in Peep's face.

Her sea-grey eyes flicked toward him for a brief instant, but just as quickly went back to lazily scanning their surroundings. "Well, yeah. Obviously."

Kaidan sighed. Maybe this had been a bad idea. "You've changed, you know."

Peep shrugged, face impassive. She lounged easily in her chair with her hands clasped in her lap. She looked exactly like her husband. "I don't think you get to tell me that."

"Why shouldn't I? I _know _you, Shepard." Kaidan leaned forward, dark brow furrowed.

Peep snapped her head to face him. The motion forced the tiny silver chimes along her ears and neck to flutter and shimmer. Kaidan was certain the effect was deliberate. "Excuse you. I'm sure you meant to say Krios."

Kaidan put his hands up in surrender and scooted back, but he scowled heavily. "I didn't mean it like that. It was a slip of the tongue, all right? You've been Shepard a lot longer than you've been...Krios."

"Not if I can help it. I'm not Shepard, and I'm not Alliance anymore, either." She eyed his uniform significantly and crossed her arms. Her C-Sec patch gleamed in the artificial sunlight. "Quit trying to make me into something I'm not."

"I'm not! Jesus, Shep—Kri—_Alhena_." Kaidan massaged his temples. "I said you changed. It was an observation. That's all."

"Don't piss on my leg, Alenko. You can't stand to look at me anymore unless it's down your nose. All you see are these." She jabbed a finger at her piercings. "You can't even say my name without stuttering, for chrissakes!"

Kaidan pinched the bridge of his nose. "I didn't ask you to come here just so we could fight, Alhena. I just wanted to have a drink with a friend."

"Some friend!" she gaped. "This is the first time in almost a year you've asked to hang out! Ever since I married Thane, you've done nothing but ignore me. I can barely get a ping out of you!"

"That isn't true," he protested. "I've got more responsibility with the Alliance now. I can't just zip off to the Citadel whenever I want!"

"I bet you don't have access to a vidcomm either." Peep rolled her eyes.

They sat in uncompanionable silence for several minutes, sipping their drinks. Peep was looking anywhere but at him. After a while, she checked her omnitool, exhaling loudly through her nostrils. "Look, I gotta go. Kolyat's set to get off here in a minute." She drained her beer quickly.

"Kolyat?" Shit. Kaidan cringed as soon as the question left his mouth. He recognized the name. He knew it was important. But, for the life of him, he couldn't remember whose it was.

Peep tossed her bottle up and caught it by the neck. Kaidan tensed. "Augh! I should break this over your thick fucking skull, Alenko! _Kolyat_. My stepson!" She waved it at him menacingly and then slammed it down with a loud thunk, standing abruptly. "You only met him at my wedding! God."

Kaidan looked up at Peep through his lashes, too cowed to face her directly. His mouth worked, but found no words.

"You know what? You need to get the fuck over me." Peep slammed her chair under the table. She turned to leave, but paused. "Oh, and you're paying."


	34. Good Intentions

"Eilorra, why don't you come along and we'll get some tea for everyone?" Peep smiled at Kolyat's girlfriend with a little too much tooth to be entirely friendly, but she doubted the young drell realized that. She steered Eilorra into the kitchen with a hand at the small of her back, feigning cheerful ignorance under Kolyat's growing scowl.

"The teacups are up there and the serving tray is over there." Peep jerked her head toward the cabinets on the far wall as she rummaged through the tea drawer. She pulled out a couple strainers and three canisters, one for Thane, one for Kolyat, and one for herself. "I don't know what you like, so you can pick whatever you want."

"Oh, I'll just have whatever Kolyat's having," Eilorra demurred, placing the cups next to Peep.

Peep bared her teeth again. "Of course you will."

"Excuse me?" The long spines on Eilorra's frill flared slightly. "Have I done something wrong?"

Peep filled the quiKettle, placed it back on its base, and set the dial. It emitted a faint hum as it began to heat up. "Watch closely." Peep took Kolyat's canister of loose leaf tea and held it up to Eilorra. "Kolyat prefers this specific brand and this specific blend." She unscrewed the lid and placed a few generous pinches into the nearest cup. "He likes his tea especially strong—"

"I _know_—" Eilorra started.

Peep shoved a finger in Eilorra's face. "No, you don't. And don't interrupt me." The kettle beeped happily to signify the water was done. Peep filled Kolyat's cup slowly. "As I was saying," she continued lightly, "He likes his tea strong, so just leave it in the cup. No strainer." Peep moved on to prepare Thane's cup. "Think you can remember that?"

Eilorra's teal throat had darkened to a disgruntled navy. "Yeah."

"Good. Now let's get something straight." She placed Thane and Kolyat's cups on the tray and turned to face Eilorra, pulling her close. "Kolyat, obviously, is not my kid, but I love him just the same. I don't know how drell parents look out for their kids, but let me tell you how it works for humans." Peep dug her fingers into Eilorra's shoulder. "If I even remotely get the impression that you've hurt him, I will hunt you down, skin you alive, and upholster my car with your scaly hide. Do I make myself clear?"

Eilorra's red eyes were wide and round. "Yes."

"Fantastic. Glad we reached an understanding." Peep patted Eilorra on the cheek. "Now, how do you want yours?"

Eilorra swallowed nervously, ribbing now pale. "Um, not too strong...and with sugar."

"Okie dokie," Peep said brightly, but her eyes were unwelcoming. The next few minutes passed in silence as the tea steeped.

"Go ahead and take these out. I still need to make mine and put all this stuff away." Peep waved toward the door. Eilorra clutched the tray as though her life depended on it and walked out as fast as she could without seeming like she was running. Peep chuckled to herself as she put more water into the kettle. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't gotten some joy out of making that girl squirm.

A minute later, the door swung open. "Siha..."

Uh-oh. That was Thane's irritated voice. "Yeah, baby?"

"What did you do to Eilorra?" He crossed his arms and shifted his weight to one leg. Oooh, she never should've taught him how to do that.

"Nothing." Peep licked her lips and looked away shiftily.

Thane lifted his brows. "Ah. Then perhaps there's another explanation as to why she is presently cowering on our couch, all the way on the opposite end from Kolyat."

Peep examined her fingernails, shrugging. "Beats me."

Thane's throat swelled. "Siha, why must you terrorize our guests?"

"I don't 'terrorize' anyone." Peep lifted her chin. "I just showed her how to make tea for Kolyat."

"I sincerely doubt that's all you did."

Peep turned around and busied herself with straining the leaves out of her cup, pointedly ignoring him. Thane stepped beside her and covered her hand with his. "I can't help but notice—" He struggled a second as Peep petulantly clung to the strainer. He turned her gently to face him once she let go. "—that all of Kolyat's lovers come here once, but never a second time." He looked at her significantly.

"_Girlfriend_, baby. Girlfriend. Lover sounds so...so..." Peep trailed off, wrinkling her nose.

Thane evaluated her shrewdly. "Grown up?"

"I was gonna say dirty, but yeah, that works, too."

"Stop deflecting, Siha."

Peep grumbled under her breath. "She's not good enough! None of them are."

"That is not your decision to make." Thane's face softened. "Kolyat has been grown for quite some time. He is more than capable of choosing for himself who and what make him happy."

Peep pouted. "I know, but—"

Thane shushed her with a kiss. "But nothing, Siha." He grazed his knuckles up the side of her neck. "Now, whatever you did, I believe you owe Eilorra an apology. Kolyat, too."

"What? Hell no!" Peep shied away and crossed her arms. "I have nothing to apologize for. I meant every word."

"So, it was something you said." Thane narrowed his eyes.

Peep looked down at her toes.

"What did you tell her, Siha?" When no response was forthcoming, Thane put his hands on his hips. "Do not make me—"

"Oh, all right!" Peep stamped her foot, sulking. "I _might_ have threatened to turn her into leather seats for my car."

Thane stared. "You didn't."

"What?" Peep huffed. "It's not like I'd—"

"Why would you say something like that?" Thane began thrumming loudly. Peep winced. "You do this _every _time Kolyat brings a lover here?"

"You mean threaten them?" Peep scratched the side of her nose. "No. Sometimes I tell stories. The last girl that came over, I told her about the first time I killed a man."

Thane looked like he was about to hyperventilate, which, for him, amounted to a small tic in his jaw.

"Oh, my god. I'm kidding." Peep tilted her head and bit her lip. "...Sort of," she amended.

"I cannot believe you." Thane pressed a hand to his forehead. "Is this a human habit, or just one of yours? Actually, never mind. It doesn't matter." He dragged his hand over his face and glared at Peep. "You should be ashamed."

"But I'm not really going to turn her into leather!"

"Does Eilorra know that?" Thane gestured sharply toward the living room. "This is not only the first time she has met you, but also, in all likelihood, the first time she has been within three Standard of a human. You forget your species' reputation for aggression."

"I...didn't mean it like that," Peep said, voice small. Her heart plummeted. "I just wanted..."

"You don't owe _me _an explanation," Thane said pointedly, and then turned and left.

* * *

A/N: Ahem. So, headcanon. Drell females have large, translucent frills that somewhat resemble cobra hoods, with long, semi-flexible spines running through them.

Also, 'Standard' has popped up again. Here it's equivalent to roughly 10ft/3m. The word 'Standard' itself is used as a catch-all abbreviation for Galactic Standard measurements when the particular unit being used is obvious from context. During 'The Darkest Corner with the Best View', 150 Standard was short for 150 Galactic Standard nelara. Here, it is short for Galactic Standard aeton. The nelara is directly borrowed from a unit of mass in use on Thessia, and the aeton is a unit of length/distance from Sur'Kesh.


	35. Sitting Duck

The harness around Kolyat's chest blinked and blipped and beeped obnoxiously. He hurled his pistol down with a snarl. "Seriously? _Again?_ You have got to be kidding me."

"Gahaha, sucks to be you!" Peep's voice echoed through and around the obstacles from an indiscernible location.

"I fucking hate the both of you!"

Kolyat's chest exploded with noisy red light once more. "Now, now, son. Watch your language."

"That's it! I'm done with this shit!"

Yet again, Kolyat's chest began to flash. "Hey! You listen to your father, twerp."

Kolyat flicked his hand a few times in a rude gesture and stomped toward the exit. "I am never playing laser tag with you again!"

* * *

A/N: Thanks to V and Songbird's Spirit for taking some of the review burden off DKLC!


	36. Goo Girl

Usually when Thane kissed her, he would caress her cheek and then slide his hand around to the back of her neck and tug her down to meet his mouth. Occasionally, however, like now, he would rest his hands on her hips and lean up on his tip-toes to reach her.

Glassy-eyed, Peep gave Thane a dopey grin as he pulled away.

"Have a good day at work, Siha," he smiled.


	37. Family Tree

WHOMP.

A rank, steaming pile of shit splattered against the glass barrier, the primate who threw it screeching belligerently. Peep leapt back reflexively toward Kolyat and Thane, the former of whom was cackling madly through the hand covering his nose.

"Ahahaha! Holy shit! It's just like you!"

"Shut up, Kolyat!" Peep whined, jabbing an elbow into his side.

"No, I really do see the resemblance!"

"Kolyat..." Thane warned. His hand was also pressed to his face to block the smell of the ape house. Despite his stern tone, his eyes crinkled slightly. Peep glared at him. The bastard was laughing at her, too!

"To hell with the both of you!" she sulked. "Just wait 'til we get to the reptile house! We'll see who's laughing then."

* * *

A/N: You guys are so goofy. I've got almost 7,000 views and only 30 reviews. *shakes head*


	38. By the Sea

"Hey, baby? Can you get my back real quick?"

Thane smiled to himself. "Of course, Siha." His siha had an absolutely _lovely _back. He grabbed the bottle of sunscreen from Peep and poured a generous amount into his palm—too much, really, and that was perfectly fine with him: It would require more time to work into her skin.

Thane started low, smoothing his hands just above the gradual swell of her rear. Peep jumped, and goosebumps spread across her skin. "Cold!"

Thane marveled at the sudden change in texture, tiny prickles rasping against his palms. Originally, he had thought his siha and other humans very bland creatures. By and large, they were monochromatic, like asari or batarians. Hardly a redeeming quality. Spotted humans—_freckled_, rather, he amended—were marginally more interesting to look at, but not by much. Several years ago, before his siha had become his siha, he probably would have described her as only a shade or two away from dirt-colored, or maybe a boring doormat brown. But, after a while, he found himself reconsidering his opinion, and now he likened her to things like bronze and warm sand. Love was strange that way.

"I think you're in the wrong line of work, baby."

"Hmm?" he asked absentmindedly. Peep's skin was beginning to flatten out again now that the sunscreen had warmed up some. Fascinating.

"You should've been a massage therapist." Peep sighed, sagging slightly as she relaxed. "Actually, I take that back. Then I'd have to share you."

"How selfish," he clucked, moving one hand to pinch her hip. Peep squealed, twisting away. Thane sucked in a breath as the elegant sweep of her vertebrae briefly revealed itself.

"Say, you ever gonna do my shoulders?" She turned her head, looking at him from the corner of her eye.

Thane blinked, realizing that he had only reached her waist. "...Yes."

"I mean, no rush or anything. I'll take a back rub any day. But you sounded like you really wanted to go swimming earlier." Peep shrugged.

Thane's eyes were glued to the sharp line of her shoulders. "I do," he insisted. Even to his own hidden ears, he sounded unconvincing. Thane hastily slid his hands up to rub slow circles just below Peep's shoulder blades, but his eyes roved down her spine, a tad unfocused. Though her flesh appeared sleek, his siha actually felt like velvet. Something about 'peach fuzz,' she'd explained once. Of course, he could remember exactly what she said if he tried, but his siha was just so _soft_... A low thrum escaped his throat.

"You all right back there?" Peep was laughing at him.

Thane shook himself. "I'm fine." They were going swimming. _Swimming_. Swimming, swimming, swimming. Thane clung to that thought, determined to see his task through, but no sooner had he reached Peep's shoulders than he was off track again, massaging his way back down her ribs.

"You already got that, baby," Peep scolded.

"I apologize." Thane obediently placed his hands back over her shoulders. He was almost out of sunblock... Oh, who was he kidding? The last of Thane's willpower washed away like a sandcastle in the tide. He skimmed his hands around to Peep's front, one wandering up to cup her breast, the other dipping down to stroke her over the fabric of her bathing suit.

"Pretty sure _I_ got there," Peep breathed. She slumped against him, leaning her head back to rest on his shoulder.

"You might have missed a spot." Thane ran his tongue over the shell of her ear, nudging her toward the bed.

Peep's knees bumped into the side of the mattress. "We aren't going anywhere, are we?"

Thane slid Peep's bikini down her thighs. "Probably not," he conceded.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for the faves and follows! Maybe I should whine more often.


	39. Like Two Trains Passing in the Night

"So, what's the deal with this line on your face, anyway?" Peep pulled out of their kiss, somewhat breathless, and instead nipped her way down the tiny groove that bisected Thane's lips and chin.

"It's a vestigial feature, much like your philtrum." Thane preened under her attentions.

Peep leaned away, scrunching up her nose. "Philtrum? Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"

"Why would I kiss my mother? Is that common among your people?" Now it was Thane's turn to frown. "And even if I were to kiss her, with what other mouth would I do so?"

Peep knocked her forehead against Thane's shoulder and sighed. "Somehow, I don't think we're on the same wavelength here, baby."


	40. Hayseed

"Shep—er, Krios!" Bailey bellowed, stomping toward her like a thundercloud.

Peep winced and spun around in her chair to face him. "'Sup, Bailey?"

"Look at this!" He waved a datapad irately in her face.

"Uh, sir?" Peep blinked, slightly cross-eyed as she attempted to focus on the small, translucent screen.

The commander shoved it toward her again. Finally realizing what he wanted, Peep took it from him, and Bailey tossed his hands up. "Feet! Inches! What the hell is this? The Dark Ages?"

"Oh. Oops. Yeah... Lemme fix that real quick." Peep cringed, scanning her report. Sure enough, the mistakes were there.

Bailey shook his head in disbelief. "This is ridiculous. I might understand metric, with you just getting out of the Alliance and all, but imperial? Really?"

Peep blushed and shrugged helplessly. "Sorry, sir. It just sort of slips out sometimes."

Bailey crossed his arms. "Slips out? They don't even teach it in school anymore! Anyway," he pointed at her, "change this crap to Standard."

Well, technically, she hadn't gone to school, but Peep thought better of correcting him. "Right-o, sir. Get right on it."

"Good. Don't let it happen again." Bailey nodded and walked away.

Peep slumped back with a dejected sigh as she turned back to her desk, only to catch sight of Kolyat, who was trilling at her smugly as he passed by. Ugh. Little punk saw the whole thing. "Put a sock in it, Kolyat!" she groused.

"What?" he said innocently. "I didn't say anything."

"You don't have to!"

He gave her a cheeky little wave over his shoulder as he left. "No idea what you're talking about."

* * *

A/N: Omg, can you guys even imagine what a clusterfuck of red tape running the Citadel would involve? Holy crap. Five gazillion different species with five gazillion different languages each... I figure everyone is required to be fluent in the trade language or they use VI programs to translate documents.

Thanks for the reviews and faves!


	41. Stalemate

"What the _fuck!_"

Peep choked on her sandwich in surprise. Little globs of mayo-coated cheese and bread flew all over the counter.

"Siha!"

Sputtering, she worked to swallow her half-chewed food.

"_Siha!_"

"Coming!" Peep nearly tripped as she scrambled off her stool in her haste to find Thane. Thane never cursed, much less raised his voice. What if he was hurt? She skidded to a halt in front of the bathroom and braced herself against the door frame, panting and more than slightly alarmed. Thane was standing silently in front of the tub. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

Thane turned to face her, face blank and not a speck of pink left on his throat. "Siha, please explain this."

Peep hesitantly dragged her eyes from Thane's throat to his hand, which held up a drain fixture. Dangling down from it in a thick, foot-long tangle were wads of dark brown hair that oozed with a disturbing combination of old soap, dirt, and dead skin cells.

"Oh." Peep let out a huge sigh of relief and pressed a hand to her chest. "That's all? I thought you were hurt or something."

"_That's all?_" Thane thrust the drain cover out insistently. The ratty tail of hair swung back and forth, shaking a few drops of funk onto the floor. Thane hissed in distress. "_Look_ at this! Where did this come from? This is disgusting!"

"Baby, you know I shed!" Peep pointed to her hair. It had grown past her shoulders after a month of noshing on stim packs. "How on earth are you surprised?"

"This is beyond shedding, Siha." Thane's mouth worked. "This is—this is—"

"Hey! I don't wanna hear it, buster! You're the one who wanted to see what I look like with long hair." Peep put her hands on her hips. "Cleaning out the drain is the price you have to pay."

"No."

"No?" Peep scrunched her face up. "What do you mean 'no?'"

Thane shook his head. "This is your hair. You clean it."

"No way!" Peep chopped her arms through the air. "That wouldn't even be like that if you didn't make me grow my hair out in the first place!" She thrust a finger toward the drain emphatically.

Thane took a step forward, arm outstretched. "I will not clean this."

"Well, it sure as hell ain't gonna be me!" Peep slapped Thane's hand away, sending the slimy hair swinging back toward him. He dropped the drain cover and leapt back with a scandalized trill. They both stared at the gooey locks, which now lay on the floor in a repulsive mess, and then looked up at each other.

Peep bolted. She heard the rush of air as Thane launched himself after her, and squealed when his fingers ghosted along the hem of her shirt. "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck yooouuu! I am _not _doing it!" Oh, god, why was he so _fast?_ "Get away from me!"

Peep kicked it into high gear, hurtling down the hallway with Thane hot on her heels. She crashed into the decorative table at the end of the hall with a yelp, but recovered quickly and scuttled as fast as she could around the corner. Not quickly enough. A strong green hand seized her wrist. Still running, Peep jerked her arm back and forth, but Thane held tight. Desperate, she forced her elbow back sharply and connected with his ribs.

Thane released her with a strangled wheeze and doubled over. Horrified, Peep whirled around as he coughed and sputtered. She covered her mouth with her hands, eyes like saucers. "Holy shit, baby! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to!" She reached out apologetically to pull him into her arms.

Just when her fingers grazed his spine, Thane lashed out and latched onto Peep with a vengeance. "If you truly wish to apologize, clean the drain, Siha!"

Peep howled with outrage. "You little faker!" she wailed. "You probably don't even have Kepral's, do you!" She pulled and tugged with all her might, but Thane had her now. "It's all a lie!"

Slowly but surely, Thane was dragging her back toward the bathroom, both hands clamped around her forearm. They were passing through the entry to the hall again. Peep braced her free arm and a knee around the doorway, using them for leverage. "Let me go!" She strained against Thane's deceptively slight frame, but, inch by inch, she gradually managed to retract her arm.

"Not unless you agree to clean the drain!" he grunted. Thane's feet slid across the floor, squeaking. Thrumming loudly, he steeled himself and wrenched Peep's arm with renewed vigor.

"Ow-wah!" Peep nearly lost her grip on the doorframe, holding on now only with the tips of her fingers, arm stretched taut.

Thane's eyes narrowed as he prepared to heave Peep along once more. She glared at him, curling her lip in a silent dare. He obliged her and yanked as hard as he could, but, rather than resist, Peep let go of the door entirely and went catapulting into him. They crashed to the floor with a loud thud.

"Ugh..." Peep groaned and held herself up on her elbows. She glowered down at Thane, who was still rumbling loudly. She tried to get off him, but he wrapped his arms stubbornly around her waist. She snorted with disbelief. "Really, Thane? Fine. I'll just squish you, then." She flopped over Thane bonelessly, forcing a small "oof!" out of him.

They lay there catching their breath for several minutes. Peep's cheek was pressed uncomfortably against Thane's frill, lips mooshed to one side. "I'm still not gonna clean that."

Thane pinched her teasingly, making Peep squirm. "It appears we are at an impasse, then, Siha."

Peep sucked on her tongue, contemplative. "We could always make Kolyat do it. That's what kids are for, you know. Slave labor."

"I don't think that is appropriate."

"You know you want to." Peep snuggled against him. "I don't have to do it, you don't have to do it. It's a win-win situation."

Thane nuzzled his cheek against hers. "You make a compelling argument."

* * *

A/N: Thane was taken from his parents and trained to kill from the age of six. Peep is a former gang member who survived her entire squad being melted by thresher maws. Those sorts of histories don't exactly make for well-adjusted people, if you ask me. Considering they aren't even the same species... _well, then_. Lol.


	42. Omfnomf

"_Car-ra-gee-nan_..." Thane knitted his brow as he scanned the list of ingredients on Peep's carton of ice cream. His English was getting better, but certain areas of his vocabulary, particularly those which pertained to food and drink, were woefully lacking. "What is that, Siha?"

Peep lifted her shoulders in a gesture that Thane had come to understand meant ignorance or indifference. "I dunno."

"Hmm. What about..._ guar gum_?"

Peep shoveled a large spoonful into her mouth, slurring her reply around it instead of waiting to swallow. "Uh wuh wuh."

"Very well. _Xan-than gum_?"

"Wah, 's col'! 'S col'!" Peep opened her mouth wide, puffing out panicked little breaths to try and warm the ice cream up, and then spat the half-melted blob back into her bowl. "Brain freeeeeze." She squinched her eyes shut and panted, clenching the edge of the table in a white-knuckled grip.

Thane shook his head and sighed. At times, his siha had less couth than a varren. "Perhaps you should slow down."

After a minute, Peep relaxed. She rolled her eyes at him and stuffed the same bite back in, smacking her lips deliberately.

Thane looked away with a shudder and resumed his study of the label. "_Mo-no and di-gli-cer-ides_?"

"I dunno."

Thane stared at her skeptically. "It seems you don't know much of anything."

"Thanks a lot," Peep scoffed, tilting back in her chair. She wedged her knees up against the table to hold herself there. "Who cares what it is? It tastes good and that's what counts."

"You are going to fall, Siha," Thane chided. "And I don't understand how you can eat that with the frequency that you do, but still be ignorant of its contents."

"I know what it is. It's ice cream." Peep brandished her spoon at him.

"That is not the same."

She polished off the last of her ice cream, bringing the bowl to her face as she scraped all the drippings out. "I can digest it. Good enough for government work."

"That is a poor attitude to have toward your diet."

Peep flexed her legs, rocking her chair back and forth. "Whatever, man. Like you never eat junk food. I've seen you, fattie!"

Thane sighed again. "You never fail to miss my point, Siha."

"Then maybe you should speak fucking English." Peep stretched her arm out toward Thane, making obnoxious little grabby motions toward the ice cream carton. "Gimme that."

Thane held it just out of reach. "I do speak English. In fact, I speak significantly more English than you do Atanara."

"Smartypants." Peep squirmed closer, still tilting back in her chair. Her fingers just barely missed the carton as Thane snatched it away again. "Hey!"

"I am sorry, Siha, but I cannot in good conscience let you eat any more of this," he tutted.

"But it's my—ack!" Peep pitched backward with a yelp. Thane lunged behind her, fumbling with the ice cream as he caught her chair.

"Whew. That was close." Peep tilted her head back to grin up at Thane, hair brushing against his stomach. She reached up and snatched the ice cream away.

"Your health would be much less at risk if you would simply heed my advice every once in a while, Siha." Thane eased Peep's chair back down and tugged on a tiny cowlick that was poking up in the middle of her head.

"Bah." Peep waved him off as she scooped herself another bowlful. "You wouldn't even know what to do with yourself if I actually paid attention to you."

* * *

A/N: Sorry for no update yesterday, guys, but I am now going through a very nasty break-up that involves me packing up and driving 12 hrs away to move back in with my folks. It might be a few days before I have the time and energy to update.

Oh, also, italics mean Thane is speaking in English (Haha, does anyone remember the good old days when people used to use like fifty different text effects and little squigglies everywhere to signify thoughts and foreign language? And the middle-of-fic author's notes?). You can assume throughout this fic that they are using the galactic trade language to speak to one another. I don't see how anyone could have a meaningful relationship with a translator on all the time. It seems impersonal and awkward to me. That'd be like hiring an interpreter to follow you and your significant other around all day. Wow, could you imagine if people really did that? You'd be right in the middle of getting busy, and there's just this person standing there interpreting all the dirty talk back and forth.


	43. Family Time

"Siha, please, put your hands back on the wheel."

"Why?"

"You cannot drive with your knees."

"Yeah, I can. I'm doing it right now."

"Guys, I think I'm gonna be sick."

"Then stick your head out the window or something, Kolyat. Just don't puke all over the seat!"

"Siha, pull over."

"What? No! We're almost there."

"You're going to kill us. Allow me to drive."

"Aw, don't be such a baby, baby."

"Siha!"

"_WHAT?_"

"That's oncoming traffic!"

"Well, duh. I'm taking a shortcut."

"More like a deathcut! Hey, seriously, I'm gonna hurl back here."

"Then quit whining about it and just do it already!"

"You're such an asshole! I oughta vomit straight down the back of your shirt!"

"Like hell you will, or I'll toss your scaly blue ass right out this fucking car!"

"Arashu, mother and protector, the sands burn, the winds cut, the waters retreat. Grant—"

"We're on the Citadel, Thane, not Rakhana!"

"The prayer is metaphorical."

"Stuff it! You aren't gonna die. We're only half a block away. Look. It's right there."

"And yet, never has such a short distance seemed so very far away."

**BWOOOOOOO.**

"Aw, son of a _bitch_."

"Hey! It actually worked, dad!"

"I believe it would be best if you pulled over now, Siha."

* * *

A/N: Oh! Looks like I had one lying around that I forgot to upload. Anyway, I'm experimenting here. Can everyone follow this and tell who's speaking and what happened? Is the dialogue stilted at all?


End file.
